the story, nay, the legend of Pink Bra

here i am with my parents at a wizard of oz themed senior roast a couple summers ago. my mom played the wicked witch of the west …i assure you, she was not type-cast. and yes, she is wearing green make-up.

for those of you that don’t know,
i have the funniest mom on the planet.
seriously.
you may not understand just how funny until you get to the end of this post, but it will make you laugh. i promise. stick with me.

for several months r house has been battling with the single mom in her mid-twenties that lives downstairs with her five small children under that age of five, her boyfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend.

they have always listened to their music loudly. always. when my mom was in town to help us after gavin’s surgery, she actually pretended to be management, went downstairs and told the lady off. (funniest mom ever, remember?) it worked for the rest of december.

on january 2nd, remember how i went and checked on her kids to see if she was hurting them since all i could hear was her yelling profanity at her children, telling them how ugly they were and her children screaming bloody murder? remember how i rolled my eyes as she answered the door wearing jeans and a hot pink bra?

we now only refer to her as Pink Bra.

incidentally, she was yelling at her children because her sister didn’t get home from her night out until 2pm (yes, in the afternoon) and she had to go to work. who was supposed to watch her kids? i suggested myself and she said, “i don’t know you, B___.” classy, i know. have i mentioned how much i love living here?

fast forward to january 13th at 2am. mr. r and i are startled awake by blaring, crazy loud latin rap. so is the family that lives above us–TWO floors up from Pink Bra and her latin rap.

we all call security.
security comes.
no one answers.

we all call maintenance.
maintenance comes.
no one answers.

we all call the police.
the police come.
no one answers.

the police officer says that the music is so loud that when he got out of his car 50 yards away he knew exactly which house it was coming from. he then looked at my huge and angry husband and said, “if this was my house and my kids were trying to sleep, i would break down this door, tear out the stereo and throw it out the window.”

dumbfounded, mr. r looked at the officer. he later told me,
“it was like he was daring me to do it.”

finally, we convice the maintenance man to open the door and turn the music off. get this:
…it’s a programmed clock radio.
it was programmed to go off at 2am. classy, right? unfortunately for us, he didn’t unplug the stereo. he just turned it off.

you better believe i was complaining the next day in the office.

january 15th–two days later–the same thing happens at 8:15am. only this time it was a latin morning show that had this chicken noise every 5 minutes. i call the office all crazy with anger. the office manager comes over herself and bangs on the door.
no one answers.
she calls me when she gets back to the office to personally apologize for how loud the freaking music is. she said as soon as she turned the corner from the office, she knew exactly where it was coming from. gag me. she said she called Pink Bra’s mother and that her mom would come over in the next half hour to turn it off. “half hour???” i thought, “that’s another 6 chicken noises. death!”

this time on a saturday–two days later–the music goes off again. i call the office and get hung up on three times. they would not help me. they said maintenance wasn’t working that day and there was nothing she (the lady on the phone) could do nor would she call anyone that could help me.
hatred.

i told her to call the Pink Bra’s mom again. she said she couldn’t find the number. (did i mention hatred?)

it’s official…
Pink Bra is ruining my life at this point.

finally, mr. r can’t take it any more, he goes into the office to call them out on their poor management. the maintenence guy who wasn’t working was “hanging out” and he rudely told mr. r to stop whining and to just turn the power off and that he wasn’t going to go into Pink Bra’s apartment because he didn’t want to get shot.

several things should shock you about this:

  1. they wouldn’t call maintenence because it was their day off even though they were still in the office.
  2. the maintenance guy told mr. r to stop whining. poor decision making.
  3. the maintenance guy offered as a solution to a noise problem, turning off someone else’s power. are you serious? he then told mr. r exactly how to do it–telling him where the boxes were, that each box is unlocked and labeled with the apartment number. classy.
  4. the maintenance guy didn’t want to enter Pink Bra’s apartment because he didn’t want to get shot. what does that tell you about Pink Bra? classy. super classy.
also disturbing is the long and greasy hair that the maintenance guy sports even though he is balding. it’s classy, guys. wicked-awesome classy.

the next regular work day …boy i let them have it. i even talked to my real estate attorney (aka Dad) about how to get us out of our lease if Pink Bra is not evicted and/or arrested and destroy this management company. which he does with the help of my brother currently in law school. (bless them.)

the office is shocked (picture here a giant mrs. r eye roll) and tells me they will have her evicted. i tell them that they had better because now my attorney is involved. funny how people suddenly take you more seriously when you drop the a-bomb on them. (that’s “a” for attorney.)

the very next morning, i look down the hallway and see mr. r tip-toeing while he is getting dressed for work. what in the world? i go back to see what he is doing and he is listening to the people downstairs. it was the sister. she was in serious trouble. she was being hurt in some way. she was whimpering telling some guy to “please just go.” we exchange worried looks and suddenly mr. r quickly gets dressed a lot faster. “i am going down there,” he says to me. i start yelling that mr. r is coming downstairs in hopes that whomever is hurting the sister will get scared. mr. r runs downstairs as yelling, screaming and loud banging noises start. suddenly a thuggish looking guy runs out of the apartment.

mr. r is so jack bauer. holla.

i call the police and file a domestic violence complaint giving them a description of the guy who is walking to his car. officers are on their way. mr. r is yelling at him asking if he hurt her, asking what his name is, asking what is going on as he slowly walks out to his gray crown victoria. then mr. r knocks on Pink Bra’s door.
no one answers.
he asks through the door is she is okay.
no one answers. (are you seeing a pattern here?)

mr. r comes upstairs …puzzled. what just happened?

several minutes later, he knocks on Pink Bra’s door. the sister is sobbing her insides out just inside the door–face red, tears everywhere. her friend answers. he asks if they are okay. she says yes. mr. r explains that we also called the police.

they girls look at each other and tell mr. r they are just about to leave.

the officers come.
no one answers.

i feel badly that this happens to be the same day that the eviction papers are delivered. but still, it is my job to look out for and protect my family. Pink Bra will have to take care of hers someplace else because i am fed up …and i even offered to help before she called me a B.

two weeks ago, this was the view from my home office window:

joy.
rapture.
and other elated emotions.
it was the best day of my life.

i could hear Pink Bra et al. packing.
stealthily, i pick up the phone and call my mother.
“mom,” i whisper. “this is your Favorite. i am just calling to tell you that Pink Bra is moving out as we speak. i even took a photo. it’s the best day of my life.”
mom responds (also whispering because it is the cool thing to do), “it’s the best day of my life too.”

a couple days later, guess what my mom sent me in the mail…


that’s right, a pink bra.

oh the legend of Pink Bra, how i will tell thee over and over again to my children and my children’s children. your classiness will live in infamy at the r house.

71 days left on our lease, but who is counting?
i told mr. r i was going to make a paper chain and we could tear a link off every day as we celebrate one day closer to moving …he banned me from such an elementary school teacher idea. i told him to “pull a card.” (that’s for you former students that read my blog.) the shocking thing is that he listened. i’ve still got it. if he pulls another card, he will miss recess.

Comments

  1. Ashley says

    OH MY GOSH, your mom is one of the best. That is too funny.

    Good for you protecting your family!!

  2. stephanie says

    i have always loved your mom. i can totally believe that she sent you a pink bra. so funny! i’m glad your neighbor is gone. now, when are you guys going to get the heck out of there?

  3. Lindsay says

    I laughed out loud when I read about your mom sending the pink bra and saw the pic of Mr. t! That is hilarious! Do you know yet where you want to move? Hopefully your last 71 days will be a little less eventful! Thanks for the good laugh this morning! I needed it!

  4. Kings says

    wow you are hilarious! I feel your pain. We live in a townhome and we can hear everything our neighbors do. Good luck looking for a new place to live. only look at homes with a acre between each home :)

  5. michiganbliss says

    Seriously hilarious. This post made my day. I needed a laugh.

    (ps- Michelle (Michigan FSA) just showed me the new FSA website. It is beautiful. You did a fabulous job.)

  6. Sally says

    Bye bye Pink Bra, have a nice life!

    I LOVE that she got evicted! We had a music-blaring pot smoker next to us, and try as we might, we couldn’t get him evicted. (I’ll have to try the “a-bomb” next time I’m in a pickle!) Moving to a single family home was the BEST day of my life!

  7. Micaela says

    That is too stinkin’ funny! I will say that I am quite impressed that you and Mr. r are so quick to protect in a domestic violence event. That would be seriously scary! What if he had a gun? Your hubby seriously IS Jack!! hot! :)

  8. Nat says

    This story is hilarious! I have downstairs neighbors that are very much the same – and I hope every day to see them packing up a moving van!!! Hope I get the same happy ending!

  9. Tamara ViAnn says

    Oh my gosh… I almost squirted my coke out my nose when I saw what your mom sent! That’s so funny. I’m so glad your almost out of your lease. And even happier that she’s gone.

  10. Carrie says

    Nice.

    Hope you know I keep secretly hoping that a spot in the Texas, Carrollton office opens up for Mr. R. You and your “big hair loving self” would love it here.

  11. Countless Tomorrows says

    That is funny! Your mom sounds like the greatest.
    But all I could think is, what is the new tenants like. We used to complain about our neighbors when we lived in an apartment. The next ones were okay, but the ones after them….they had a fight that was so bad it knocked pictures off of our wall. But we knew he had a gun for sure so we called the cops.
    I hope your next place is a thousand times better!
    I love the pink bra picture. Just think how much Mr. T will love you when you show it to future girlfriends!

  12. mrs. r says

    carrie …the big hair comment has me rolling. i do love me some big hair.

    countless tomorrows …we don’t have any new neighbors and it is the best. there are tons and tons of vacant units right now. we are hoping that ours stays one of them. at least for another 71 days and then we are outie.

  13. Michele says

    De-lurking just to say that your Mom is HILARIOUS!

    I feel sorry for Pink Bra’s new neighbors.

  14. Janae says

    Sorry you actually had to live through this, but it made for a great story! Thanks for sharing. I can honestly say that I am thankful we don’t have any pink bras around here.

    Although we had to hear the newlyweds every night for 2 years. Yeah that was fun. I couldn’t ever look at them the same after the first time, let alone the 1,500th time. I will tell you they had a lot of fun around 10 ever night. And then a fight or two every month. Who knew anyone fought about buying a wood stove in the future? It was important enough to them I guess. He slept on the couch that night. No fun for them…LOL

  15. The McKay's says

    It sounds incredibly stressful and crazy, but its also a great story! May the Pink Bra lady go down in history as the worst neighbor ever. I actually think I auditioned to play Pink Bra Lady in a show a couple of weeks ago…what a fun, “classy” gal :)

  16. Karlee and Nathaniel says

    Thank you for the story, it gave me a good laugh which I needed today! Loved it!

  17. Ashby says

    Your mom cracks me up! I seriously love that lady. And I totally feel for you on the apartment living. It totally sucks! 71 days and counting……

  18. Maryblog says

    You are the best story teller EVER! That is a pretty crazy and classy story. Your Mom really is hilarious! That is awesome! You must have been rolling when you pulled that out of the package…I can’t even imagine! Well I am glad to hear they are out! And soon you will be too???

  19. C Tam says

    I find myself feeling oddly jealous for the cool stories you have. Would I volunteer to live the stories just to be able to tell them? I’m not sure.

  20. The G Fam says

    That seriously is the FUNNIEST story ever! (And can I just say that I LOVE your Mom!) I am still laughing! Aww, the joys of renting, blah!!!

  21. Jennifer McManus says

    I was so intrigued that I had to turn down the TV and read some of it over again to make sure I had it all correctly….and NO YOU DIDN’T tell Josh to pull a card. I laughed out loud. Girl, I love your blog – it’s better than Guiding Light.

  22. Chloe says

    ha ha ha!!!! LOVES it. And I can personally attest that your mom is one of the funniest and FUNNEST ladies on the planet. Love your mom. Great story. I’m counting down with you. 71, 70, 69…

  23. Super B says

    Wow. What an ordeal. I totally think you should make a paper chain. I have a sis in law that does that for any occasion she is looking forward too.

  24. Allison says

    That was hilarious. Lauren S. (your former 3rd grader) especially loved the part about you having mr. r pull a card! You’re still her fav teacher!

  25. Leisha says

    I am laughing my insides out. Hilarious I tell you. I can hear you and your mom whispering and can just see your face when you got your package. Mrs. R’s momma, you are the best!

  26. Kim says

    This is all just too righteous for me! I love every bit. I especially love the pink bra that just might fit me. Zumm zumm.

  27. Anonymous says

    Hey Mrs. R,
    I loved this post and laughed out loud. And then I made everyone at my office read it as well. I lost my Mom to cancer 16 months ago. Sending a pink bra is EXACTLY something my Mom would have done. Reading your post made me miss her so much. My heart hurts a little reading this story. Please, don’t ever take your Mom for granted. Cherish every second that she is on this earth with you. Because although I know the gospel and have faith that I will see her someday, it still sucks that she isn’t here today. Keep being awesome!

  28. Jan Signore says

    Lindsey, your mom IS officially the best, funniest, coolest person I know! I love you, I love your blog, I love your parents (really miss your dad!).

  29. Lara says

    That is totally something my mom would do. I love it!

    Also, I think you’re a little obsessed with the word “classy”. :)

  30. The Sanderson Fam says

    I don’t know what else I can add to everyone’s comments…LOVE IT… and Love your mom’s sense of humor! The comment someone posted about feeling sorry for Pink Bra’s new neighbors…I feel sorry for her poor children! You’re husband rocks, though! I worked at Valley Fair mall for 7 years and saw some pretty scary stuff. (I had to call the police on a man abusing his little girl) and I was sure they were going to hunt me down! If I was that guy I would have run away from Mr. R too!!

  31. Carrie says

    Linds. I am baffled by this story. It is hilarious. Your mom is definitely the best. Love her. I think you should have this story published in hard back book form to have on your shelves. You can read the legend of the pink bra to your kids as a bedtime story. :)

  32. Jennifer says

    Oh my gosh, I’m laughing out loud at the end here…I hope Mr R didn’t have to pull any more cards! That’s great! Going to have to share this with Michael, he’ll get a kick out of this post!

  33. Michael and Cordie says

    I HATE annoying neighbors!! I feel your pain, not to your extent, but sort of! I am so glad they are out of your hair!

  34. Ashley says

    Oh my word, too incredibly funny! Your mom rocks. Also, the teacher in me loves that you told Mr. R to pull a card. Maybe I'll try that with my husband… :)

  35. Hussy says

    oh dear heavens to megatron. i need a pink bra in my life to spice things up. maybe one will move in next door where my neighbors are packing up, fingers crossed!!! ps. tell ur mom to adopt me.