Me with my toddlers at the zoo last week.
Knit hats courtesy of Ashley.
Recently, I got the most honest and sincere email from a reader about talking to her toddler about her adoption story.
She was looking for some advice on talking with her child about her child’s birth family.
My beautiful daughter will be three soon.
We have an open adoption with her amazingly awesome birthmom and birthmom’s family. We see them pretty often, sometimes once or twice a month. We love them so much and I think I’ve taken for granted how almost effortless our relationships have been. My prayer is that this will always be, but I know we will have challenges to work through at some time or another. They really are family to us, and we love being with them. We are truly blessed.
My problem: I have NOT done a great job at talking to my daughter about adoption, specifically with her knowing that her birthmother is her “birthmother.” Before, she was so young, I’d “practice” talking about it but wouldn’t get too worried because it seemed so over her head. She’s grown up on me overnight, it seems! She’s smart, asks questions about everything, but hasn’t asked anything about adoption (probably because I haven’t done a great job at talking about it!).
She loves her birth family, and I know she feels their love, too. And we verbalize how much they love her, too. “They love you so much!” We have pictures of them up in our house; she makes things for them around the hoildays, and just loves when we get together.
I have a few children’s books that we read but I really would LOVE some guidance. Recommended reading? Personal experience? Common sense that I may just not have? Lol We are the only family I know who have an open adoption, so I’m thinking I should look for some support again (sought support once but found the group met farther away than I could go). Really, if it’s not too personal, I was wondering how you told your kids about their “birthmother” and if/when you saw that they connected it? Wanting to keep things age-appropriate, I question every word that comes from my mouth!
THANK YOU.
I was so touched by the bravery of this woman to admit to herself (and all of you) that she has not been doing a great job. I think if we all took a look back at our situations, we could find all kinds of things that we could be better at.
I love her openness.
What suggestions and ideas do you have for the adoptive mom who wants to be better? How can she help her daughter understand her adoption story?
This article seems to do nothing but confuse on the topic. Let’s hear from real families who are living this right now.
All 5 of our children are adopted and when they are younger, actually even as they get older we call their birthmother their “tummy mummy”, meaning you came out of her tummy and we are the “Forever Mommy”, the mommy they will have forever. We were taught this language from our kids therapist. We also talk about how some mommies have “broken tummies” so they have to come to earth in their tummy mummy and then they get to come to you forever. Our situation is a little different though, all our kids came to us through foster care so we have no contact with the bio families and “forever mommy” might be offensive, I don’t know I have never asked a birth mother that question. Hope this helps.
To the question answerer: Our open adoption sounds very similar to yours in openness. I have a kids photo album that he’s had since he was born with all his grandparents and aunts and uncles in it. I also have a picture of him at the hospital
With his birthmom and her sisters. That’s where I started the discussion. once he figured out that baby was him, I started telling him he was born in her tummy. Eventually he would say, yeah, I was born in her tummy. I then started adding that she was his birth mom. He’s almost 3 now and has been saying that she’s his “birf mom” on his own for about two months. You can see the gears working in his brain and I think he’s beginning to understand. He also has several friends his age that are adopted as well and after we see these friends we talk about how they are adopted like him and how special it is to be adopted.
This weekend he was singing a song and making up the words. He named mommy, daddy, his birth mom and all her siblings and parents and said, I just sung a song about my family, yeah they are all my family. He’s understanding in his own way!! Just start slow, but start!! Sorry this isn’t the best wording, but I’m on my iPhone and it’s not easy to type!
I am in almost the exact same boat as you, so know you are not alone. My kids are 2 & 1, and we have very open adoptions with both their birth mothers, and my son’s birth father as well. We see them every 2 months. I feel like my two year old doesn’t get it, and I don’t know when to really start with him either. This is my number one issue that I need more education on.
Time for a lesson on the birds and bees! Get an age-appropriate book that has a picture of a baby growing in a mom’s tummy in it (we have The Flip-Flap Body Book). When you get to that part of the book, say, “Hey, that’s just like you when you grew in (insert birth mother’s name)’s tummy!” The foundation is laid, and the subject has been opened for discussion. When your child comes to you and says, “When I grew in your tummy . . .”, gently correct them and say, “Remember you grew in (birth mother)’s tummy?” and then answer their question. I have 5 kids, all adopted, no open adoptions, but we talk about birth families all the time. We pray for birth parents every day, so that their names are part of our family’s life. Also, tell your child his/her story often. Ours always begin, “One day, the phone rang. It was Miss Daffney. She said, “Mrs. L., would you take a little boy?” And go from there. Three of our adoptions were foster adoptions, two were through LDSFS, so the stories are a bit different, but everyone loves their stories. We answer all questions honestly, and age-appropriately. Some kids want to talk for hours and cry about what has happened, so we do. Some are satisfied with just the bare bones version. But it is important to start now and not be afraid to have their stories be part of your life, not somethign taboo.
I love this reply!
My situation is a little different. We adopted both of our daughters from China (two separate adoptions at two different times. They are 14 months apart in age). We do not know their original parents. We have maintained contact with our youngest daughter’s foster family through email.
I made each of them a scrapbook style Adoption Storybook (20″ by 20″ and way bigger than what the ‘professionals’ reccommend). Their Adoption Storybook was one of their birthday presents for their 3rd Birthday so they will basically always remember having it.
Included are pictures and descriptions of: our family doing various things while waiting to adopt; as much as possible pictures of them before we adopted them where they lived and the people who cared for them; pictures and information about their Province and municipality; the adoption trip; arrival home and settling-in; every day life as well as special events from the first year home.
It is scrapbook style so I also used various stickers; bold exclamation words etc., to pretty-it-up– it is more for younger kids and Not to be confused with a lifebook. I decided to wait on a lifebook and offer that activity to them when they are a little older and can participate in it.
Interestingly, it wasn’t until age 4 that each of them showed their own interest in it. Up till then I would periodically take them out to look at with them– but they didn’t ask. Now they will ask to see it or simply go grab it and open it to look at the pictures and ask questions.
I think it is good to start talking to our kids right away– even though they are too young to understand what you are saying. It gives us, the parents, practice talking about their adoption story and even though the kids don’t understand it– they still hear it and at some point it will simply be somthing that they have always known and that you have always talked to them about, which I think will foster a trust between the child and parent that it is OK for the child to talk about their adoption.
Best,
I think you ladies are lucky. I cannot have an open adoption. I adopted 3 siblings (now they are twin 1 year olds and a 4 year old) from foster care. It is not okay for them to see their bio family. We were even advised to change their names to make sure their bio family couldn’t find them. I did get some baby photos of the 4 year old from Bio mom’s mom. That has been helpful to be able to show her photos. I just call the family members by their first name. The 4 year old never asked for her bio mom or any of her family, so the photos have been helpful to sort out memories. I have had these kids for a year and a half. I do have a super secret email that doesn’t trace back to me the we communicate through. Although, the bio mom has only used it to ask for her 4 year old back. And ask for more photos. If it were up to her, she would get a photo an hour. I only send her one occasionally. The 4 year old I am sure is super confused. She doesn’t talk about it. I am trying to figure out the amount of stuff to talk to her about. I don’t want to shove it down her throat if she doesn’t care, but I don’t want her wondering and not know how to talk about it also. She has communication issues. She was removed from her parents for a reason. Thanks for reading this novel. ha ha melissa
I love all of these suggestions! They are great! We also have 3 boys all were adopted and all have open adoptions as well. My husband actually wrote a bedtime story for each one…which is their own adoption story. I put pictures to it and printed it out in a book that we read to them every night. They are now 5, 4 & 1. It wasn’t until they were between 3 & 4 that they really understood what birth mother/birth father and birth family meant. Good luck!
Thank you for blogging this today! It’s something I’ve been wondering too! My son is 18 months old and I constantly wonder how much will he understand right now and when is that magical age where the pieces will start to click? I used to practice talking to him as a baby, to get down how I wanted to tell his story. But then admittedly haven’t talked about it hardly at all because I’ve assumed he wouldn’t understand yet. We show him pictures of his birth family, skype occasionally, but as he gets older it’s made me wonder when to start working on his understanding of where he comes from. Everyone’s comments so far have been perfect, so again, thank you!
Have you read the book “Tell me Again about the night I was born.” by Jamie Lee Curtis? Using the format of this book I made my son his own storybook telling the story of how he was born. It includes a page on how my husband and I couldn’t have a baby on our own. And another page on how there was a very special woman who had a baby in her tummy that she couldn’t take care of. This has really helped my son make the connection. When he was three and four we spoke often about how he grew in his birthmom’s tummy. Now that he is older (7) we talk more about placement, and the reasons why his birthmother chose adoption for him. We have a unique situation because he is our only adopted child (we have two bio kids). Also, his birthmother is now married. She has three children she is parenting. So, he is the only adopted child in both in our family and in hers. I have to make sure he feels secure in his identity and knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is loved by us, loved by her and is where he is supposed to be.
Now, I’ve done a terrible job of talking to him about his birthfather. We know next to nothing about him. And the only way he has participated in my son’s life was the night he was concieved and the choice to not interfere with the adoption plan made by his birthmother(which we are so grateful for!) Until my son is older and can handle the mature topics surrounding his conception we simply talk about his mexican heritage that comes from his birthfather. Thankfully we have a relationship with my son’s birthmother. She can help answer questions when we get to that discussion.
I think it sounds like you are doing great! Having an open relationship and lots of open conversations with the birth family is the best place to start. I think you need to give yourself more credit because that’s so important.
We talk adoption all the time with our boys. We read stories about adoption generally and about their specific story. We talk about their birth families and hang out with them too. So it’s natural to talk about their story and who the key people and facts are.
My older son 8 has a really great understanding. And as a matter of fact, adoption started to really click on Friday for my younger son (just turned 4). We were on the way to visit his birthmom and he asked if we were going to the temple too. (I turned off the radio and got ready for an awesome talk.) I said no, we’re going to Burger King to play.
He said, “But when I came out of her tummy and got adopted, I went to the temple too.” He then had 15 minutes worth of rapid fire questions that I happily answered as we drove. It was a highlight of my life as his mommy so far. All the simple convos had connected and he was ready (intellectually) to ask questions and talk.
At the end of our conversation, he said, “I want you to tell [birthmom] all of this!” Like he was so proud to understand it, he wanted to share it. I laughed and told him, don’t worry, she was there so she already knows, but I’ll be sure to tell her when we get to Burger King. You can imagine her joy to hear this story. LOVE open adoption!
I love reading all the responses. No two situations are identical. A few thoughts from my experience with our son we adopted at birth (sort of an open adoption with the birthmom, but she is not interested in much contact and lives half the country away; totally closed with birthdad, who seems to have just been a sperm donor). Also, after adopting we conceived 2 biological daughters, so he has 2 little sisters:
- we have ALWAYS talked adoption, and as soon as he could speak would say “I was adopted / when you adopted me / etc” – we had a real “moment” when he was 5 and said, totally upset & disbelieving, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID NOT GROW IN YOUR TUMMY???” even though of course I had said that to him a zillion times. So I would guess each child will have some concrete moment of “getting it,” and our son just didn’t quite sort it all out till he was 5…probably our situation was complicated by him seeing me pregnant with his sisters.
- even now, at age 10, he will say things like “I look like my dad!” and of course mean his real dad, my husband. 1) weirdly enough, he does look like his dad (I think kids really can take on their parents’ characteristics and mannerisms, etc, and heck maybe even look “more like” someone), and 2) I encourage this, with no disrespect meant to his birth-father. The kid 100% knows he was adopted – he just wants to be like his dad, his real dad. And I think that’s great.
- I have to imagine that there will be more “adoption moments” as my son hits adolescence and hits new developmental milestones, etc.
I guess overall, what I want to say is, I don’t think there is just “talking about adoption.” I think each kid has / will have more than one moment of “getting it” and understanding and even feelings will change and then change again over time. I think you (original questioner) should feel proud of ALL you’ve done and not worry too much about what you wish you’d done before now…I’m not sure there is one best way, so long as you do the best you can at each step. Sorry for the novel!
This is a great response! Our kids interest, understanding, and emotions about their adoption story will evolve just as they grow. Our son is 3.5 and his comprehension is all from pictures but the stories he retells get mixed up. Like he’ll say “mommy’s birth tummy” and really think that he was in my tummy. Our 4.5 year old understands more and tells everyone where and how she and her brother were born (she is bio baby). It is important to us to not introduce any information that is not true or that we do not know for certain. We do not know if his birth mom loved him but we know that she made a plan for him. We always tell our children that Heavenly Father has a special plan for them and that part of that plan is how and where they were born. It’s important to us that they know that they are equally loved and looked after by earthly parents and Heavenly Parents too. If they can identify early with a loving Heavenly Father other questions will hopefully be more simply addressed.
I am a foster adopt Mom of our two oldest kids and a birth mom of our youngest. We HAD an open adoption with our son’s birth mom until this past year. After a restraining order and now a closed adoption, we begun talking to our son (now 6 yrs old) about adoption and birth Mom’s and what it means. I want our kids to grow up KNOWING that they are adopted and just being a natural thing for them. We’ve had them both since infants so they don’t know any different.
It kind of started when I was pregnant with our last child and our son would make comments like “I used to be in your tummy Mommy”. So I started to explain that he was in another Mommy’s tummy and she wasn’t able to take care of him (maybe not the best explanation) so we became hi s parents.
Our daughter (3 1/2 yrs old) does not see her birth Mom but has one visit a year with her birth Dad and paternal Grandma comes too. That is going well right now. We just refer to him as “uncle So-and-so”.
I too wonder what the “correct” way to go about this is?
I just don’t want to have time go by and then one day when they are 10 yrs old or older, sit them down and say “By the way…you’re adopted”. That’s not how I want to do it.
Our adoption sounds a lot like hers! I’ve made books for my son that tell him about his adoption, I have photos of his birth mom (Brie) hanging in his room and we tell him that he “grew in Brie’s belly.” When we see her, I’ve tried to help him make that connection by saying “Look, it’s Brie! You grew in her belly!” That seemed to be a good start for us. (He’s 2.) Until he makes the connection, we will just continue to add a little, here and there.
I think in your situation, telling her she grew in her birth mom’s belly might be a good start.
Also, my friend Jill and I have made an adoption storybook template (it’s kind of like a “life book”). You create it online and then you can order a copy of it. If you’d like to use it, you can check it out here: http://www.viovio.com/designer/template/1136
Brittany, I love your link and the template you desinged for adoption stories. I am going to start on my book right now! Thanks!
I am super curious to read your follow up post on this. I feel like I could have written this letter. My daughter is almost 3 and we “talk” about it but it’s time to go deeper. I did make a story book about our story. IT’s written more as a story than a scrapbook or memoir. Hopefully it’s a place to start discussions!
As an adoptee, I feel that, if possible, the two stories (the relinquishment and adoption) should be kept separate. If a child asks “why was I adopted” s/he is asking why they were relinquished and it is best to keep that separate from why YOU adopted them. If you want to tell them about your love for them, make sure that they realise that your love for them has nothing to do with why they were relinquished – that may sound obvious but if a child asks why was I adopted and your main answer is “because we loved you so much”, that can come off the wrong way – it is good for them to know that you love them of course but it is not really the answer to the question – your love for them had nothing to do with the relinquishment.
My APs were always matter of fact about my bmom’s reason for relinquishment and i have always accepted it.
Btw in regards to this:
We also talk about how some mommies have “broken tummies” so they have to come to earth in their tummy mummy and then they get to come to you forever.
Sorry, Keltie, I don’t really agree with this – it does make it sound as if the bmom was used as a uterus for you to become a mother. I know that is not your intention but it is how it can come across. A bmom and AP are two people whose paths have ended up crossing each others – the bmom was not made a bmom purely so that another woman could have a baby.
I think it’s a good idea to have the birth parents write the relinquishment. Plus, super fun to make a book together as a collaborative effort!
And personally, I have never heard an adoptive parent answer the questions “why was I adopted” with “we love you.” It doesn’t even answer the question. LOL I personally love that our kids’ birth mamas have written down (in letters and books that they made for them) why they chose an adoption plan. Like I said, collaborative effort.
My son’s adoptive parents created a story book shortly after he was born called “Finding Desmo”. It is written like a children’s story book, directly to him. They read it to him frequently, and they have pictures of me and his birth father in their home. They also sent me a copy of it, and I love reading it and knowing that from the beginning, he will be aware of his story. They also have pictures running on their computer, and many of them include me and my family. So each time he sees someone comes up, they tell him who it is and that we love him too. We had our first Skype session recently, and he saw my face on the screen and just stopped what he was doing and pointed at me. It melted my heart knowing that even though he is 2,000 miles away, he can recognize me and be happy to see me. We have a very open line of communication, and I hope to be able to visit him soon, and many times after that. He will always know where he came from, and I hope that as he grows, he will continue to want me to be a part of his life.
I do have a few comments on what some of you have said. To Renee: It saddens me to hear that you and your family have had struggles and have had to close your son’s adoption. I can’t imagine that was easy for you, and I hope that everyone is safe and healthy now. Regarding your daughter’s birth father, I am glad to hear that you are having successful visits with him, however I am confused as to why you refer to him as her Uncle. I commend you for having openness and honesty with your children. I couldn’t agree more with you wanting to tell them as they grow rather than dropping it all on them later. Could part of that openness include letting her know her actual relationship to him? It may be more difficult for her in the future to shift her thinking from him being her Uncle, to him being her birth father. I understand that she is very young, and it not adding up in her eyes may be a reason that you refer to him as you do. I sincerely hope that you have a good relationship with her birth father, and that things can continue in a positive direction. I do know that if my son’s adoptive parents referred to me as “Aunt Shantel”, I would be hurt as I always want him to know of our relationship. 7 years before I gave birth to my son that I placed, I became a mother to my daughter. She was there witnessing my pregnancy with my son, and although I did not tell her the moment I found out I was pregnant, I did tell her about the situation. She knows about the adoptive parents, sees current photos they send us, and reads his story book with me. Sometimes it is challenging for her to discuss, and I have to be understanding of that given her age and her desire for a sibling. The most important reason I had for telling her of the adoption was to create an open and honest relationship between us. There are no secrets between us, and there will never be a time later when I need to drop any big bombs on her, or my son.
Lindsey- new book coming out about adoption. Thought you should know about.
http://www.feigningfertility.com/2012/01/book-review-delivering-hope.html
I saw that! I actually already have a copy.
I did a review on it a couple weeks ago. Thanks!
I used snapfish and shutterfly and made books about our family that has helped a lot in talking about adoption. we have always talked about it, but it does take the kids asking about things to get it going, and I found the books really helped, get the conversations started. We have a semi open adoption, our birthmother is in another state and she is difficult to keep in touch with. It is hard, and now that my daughter has just turned 6 she wants to talk with her and we can not seem to get in touch with her. But having a special book that is just about my daughter and her 1 year of life talking about how the miracle of adoption has blessed our family and shows photos of her with her birthmother has helped, she loves showing the book to everyone! she is so proud to be adopted, where we were crying a few days ago missing her birthmom she now is showing her book to everyone and talking about how happy she is and how lucky she is to have a birth mom too. two moms! can it get any better! So just start talking about it, tell your child about how she came to you, that is my childrens favorite bedtime story!