Sometimes good things fall apart…

I reached out to Alicia when I was struggling with our failed adoptions this year.

I told her I just needed some perspective …and that’s exactly what she delivered. The “heart settling” that she describes is exactly what I was searching for.
 

“Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe

 

As I write this I hear my children running and laughing behind me. My heart settles and smiles.

The worst part of infertility is the lack of control. The worst part of adoption is the lack of control. We don’t mourn the loss of a child we never had, we mourn the loss of the ability to decide when and how to have a family. We have to learn to be reeds flowing with the tides and trust that we’ll end up where we’re supposed to be. And if you talk to any adoptive parents, I think you’ll find that they believe that is exactly what happened.

A month into the adoption process we were matched with a young birth mother pregnant for the first time. We looked like we could have been sisters and it felt amazingly perfect. However, once the baby was born, things changed. She decided to parent.

It was devastating but it wasn’t because I felt that baby was mine because he never was mine. He was always hers and I had to respect her decision. It was because I had no control; no power of my own in becoming a mother.

It took us 3 months to come to terms with that but then I decided to change my approach. I thought that if I built it, they would come. So I designed our nursery. I was going to be prepared for my baby.

I took control of my path to motherhood. I researched and learned quickly how to navigate the world of adoption. I would not be tied to one agency…I would be a free agent. I spoke with anyone and everyone about adoption and found the agencies willing to share their potential situations with me.

And then I found her. My daughter’s birth mother.

This time it was different – it was like finding “the one.”

Within a month we were parents and I knew why our failed adoption happened. To lead us here.

Fast forward almost 3 years and we decided we wanted to try again. Just as we were beginning our home study, we received a call from the agency we used the first time. Our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant, due in a month and a half, and wanted us to be the parents! If that isn’t fate, I don’t know what is. We rushed to complete our paperwork and then just at the eleventh hour, she changed her mind.

We were sent reeling. It was divine intervention after all…She was due with a baby at the exact moment we were ready to expand our family and with our daughter’s half sibling! How could this be?

Then it hit me. I was in this position for a reason. I spoke with the agency about any other potential situations they had and learned that they were just about to match a birth mother. She was due in 4-5 days. Once again I knew this was “the one.”

They presented our profile amongst other adoptive parents and she chose us! If we hadn’t scrambled to have our paperwork in order we wouldn’t have been ready for this match.

Within the week, we were in Utah meeting our son for the first time.

Here is what I know :

I know my daughter was led to me as I was led to her.

My daughter started having seizures when she was one. I believe that she is a gift given to us because I know she would not be getting the medical care she needs otherwise.

I know that if we had adopted her half sibling, I would have spent my life nervously waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath me. Would that child have medical issues as well?

I know that my son came into my life as my second ray of light. A beacon of joy that is my silver lining.

I know that my children look incredibly similar to one another and that is not by chance. They were meant to be brother and sister.

I know that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.

 

This is the Future

“Wake up on your own
And look around you cause you’re not alone
Release your high hopes and they’ll survive
Cause this is the future and you are alive

Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days

And when you wake up on your own
Look around you cause you’re not alone
Let your hopes go and they’ll survive
Cause this is the future and you are alive

You’re headed home”
–Owl City

Comments

  1. Shannon says

    Beautiful post! I too feel like my daughter and her birth parents were the one. As I sit here and struggle with the fact that our foster daughter’s mother is choosing to take steps back you have opened my eyes to the fact that maybe she is also the one.

  2. Kira says

    Love this. I can relate with the feelings of not having control and how hard that is. And I can relate to knowing my child would not be receiving the medical care he needs if he was not with me.
    And oh my gosh, her kids are too cute for words!

  3. Megan says

    So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing! I had many different emotions come back to me reading through the post and I am once again SO grateful for this community of support and understanding. <3

  4. Carmen says

    Love this! I can completely relate to this story and this situation and there is no question in my mind that our son was meant to be in our family. We also felt very strongly that we should not attach ourselves to one agency and because of that we found our son’s birthmom and she found us. The Lord works in mysterious ways and it’s just nice to know that when we are being blown around and have no control that at least He does.

  5. Vanessa says

    Wow! What a great post! I love what she said about grieving because you have no control on your path to motherhood. I have definitely felt that way. I would love to know what agency she used.

  6. Genesis Sterzer says

    I love this thanks so much for sharing I too can relate as well. We had a failed adoption and it led us to GA to adopt our son. If we were never lead to LA hoping to adopt a baby girl we would have never adopted our son. Because of this failed adoption word spread all the way to GA. The Lord is amazing and he puts those that are suppose to be ours in our families. Love your story thanks for sharing.:)

  7. Mary says

    Thank you for posting this! It gave words to the way I have been feeling lately that I couldn’t quite explain myself. It is a wonderful reminder that God is in charge and that we can trust His ways for us.

  8. alicia says

    Thanks so much for all the lovely replies!
    And thank you, Lindsey, for providing this wonderful platform for sharing and support!

    Vanessa, we used A Guardian Angel Adoption Agency. Please feel free to e-mail me if you’d like more information:
    armstid@mac.com