I reached out to Alicia when I was struggling with our failed adoptions this year.
I told her I just needed some perspective …and that’s exactly what she delivered. The “heart settling” that she describes is exactly what I was searching for.
“Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe
As I write this I hear my children running and laughing behind me. My heart settles and smiles.
The worst part of infertility is the lack of control. The worst part of adoption is the lack of control. We don’t mourn the loss of a child we never had, we mourn the loss of the ability to decide when and how to have a family. We have to learn to be reeds flowing with the tides and trust that we’ll end up where we’re supposed to be. And if you talk to any adoptive parents, I think you’ll find that they believe that is exactly what happened.
A month into the adoption process we were matched with a young birth mother pregnant for the first time. We looked like we could have been sisters and it felt amazingly perfect. However, once the baby was born, things changed. She decided to parent.
It was devastating but it wasn’t because I felt that baby was mine because he never was mine. He was always hers and I had to respect her decision. It was because I had no control; no power of my own in becoming a mother.
It took us 3 months to come to terms with that but then I decided to change my approach. I thought that if I built it, they would come. So I designed our nursery. I was going to be prepared for my baby.
I took control of my path to motherhood. I researched and learned quickly how to navigate the world of adoption. I would not be tied to one agency…I would be a free agent. I spoke with anyone and everyone about adoption and found the agencies willing to share their potential situations with me.
And then I found her. My daughter’s birth mother.
This time it was different – it was like finding “the one.”
Within a month we were parents and I knew why our failed adoption happened. To lead us here.
Fast forward almost 3 years and we decided we wanted to try again. Just as we were beginning our home study, we received a call from the agency we used the first time. Our daughter’s birth mother was pregnant, due in a month and a half, and wanted us to be the parents! If that isn’t fate, I don’t know what is. We rushed to complete our paperwork and then just at the eleventh hour, she changed her mind.
We were sent reeling. It was divine intervention after all…She was due with a baby at the exact moment we were ready to expand our family and with our daughter’s half sibling! How could this be?
Then it hit me. I was in this position for a reason. I spoke with the agency about any other potential situations they had and learned that they were just about to match a birth mother. She was due in 4-5 days. Once again I knew this was “the one.”
They presented our profile amongst other adoptive parents and she chose us! If we hadn’t scrambled to have our paperwork in order we wouldn’t have been ready for this match.
Within the week, we were in Utah meeting our son for the first time.
Here is what I know :
I know my daughter was led to me as I was led to her.
My daughter started having seizures when she was one. I believe that she is a gift given to us because I know she would not be getting the medical care she needs otherwise.
I know that if we had adopted her half sibling, I would have spent my life nervously waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath me. Would that child have medical issues as well?
I know that my son came into my life as my second ray of light. A beacon of joy that is my silver lining.
I know that my children look incredibly similar to one another and that is not by chance. They were meant to be brother and sister.
I know that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.
This is the Future
“Wake up on your own
And look around you cause you’re not alone
Release your high hopes and they’ll survive
Cause this is the future and you are alive
Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days
And when you wake up on your own
Look around you cause you’re not alone
Let your hopes go and they’ll survive
Cause this is the future and you are alive
You’re headed home”