This week I have been missing the two babies we “lost” this year.
One in January. One in August.
Don’t get me wrong, I am completely enamored, in love and intoxicated with our new little Jackson! (Isn’t he totally adorable?)
It’s just that the worth of each soul is great and my heart is huge.
I am not up to date on the lives of these two babies I loved and lost this year, but I sure hope Santa was good them and their dads have chosen to be Super Dads and everything a little girl and little boy would hope for in a daddy. I am sure they are in great hands with their mamas.
But, they’ve been in my heart this last week. I am not entirely sure why.
And then this song came on the radio.
It’s a song that I sang over and over and over again to that little boy in Ohio that we had the privilege of loving for a handful of days. I sang it to him, rocked him and kissed on his cheeks. I still believed that he may be able to come home with us. I was “still looking up.”
“But there are dreams that cannot be…”
A rush of those memories and feelings came back to me as I turned around from the front seat and sang my heart out to my three little duckies. Tyson was busy playing on the iPad, Jackson was asleep in his baby carrier …but there was my Gavin. My sweet middle baby with his giant gorgeous eyes (inherited from his birth mom) staring at me.
Deep pools of wonder looking into my soul.
And we had a moment. I sang. He listened. I poured out the ache in my heart through those lyrics and somehow, those giant, innocent eyes soaked it up. He had no idea what was going on …but the pureness of his little self and those eyes just took all the hurt away.
And you know what was left? Complete joy.
Joy in the life I have.
Joy in the three adorable babies I call my own.
Joy in the family I get to create with my amazing husband.
I cannot wait to see what 2013 holds for us.
Nor can I. Your little family is amazing. Of course, they have a great role model…
Thanks, Em! XOXO
You don’t know how much you posts have meant to me.. I realized the same heart ache waiting for ‘my’ children to come ….3 years of waiting, infertility, and questions we were chosen to adopt from MI. 2 years later and a multitude of foster children we have 2 more beautiful children.. They all are within 15 months of each other with the youngest two being 4 months apart.. I wouldn’t change a thing.. .we didn’t give up! Thank you so much!
I teared up at the Gavin part. Loved this!
He is the sweetest thing!
Beautiful family! Experiences forever in our hearts!! Xoxo!!
The first time I remember hearing that song was when I was standing at the counter at our infertility doctor’s making yet another appointment, still months away from any type of answer. And I cried and sang it to heaven.
It came on the radio again just as I pulled into our OB’s office Monday morning so we could check out the bleeding I was having with this precarious pregnancy and I flat out bawled and sang it to our growing baby.
I love songs that help our hearts express what we are truly feeling. There is power in music.
Beautiful post from a beautiful mommy. I LOVE this picture of little Jackson.
For once I’m at peace about this. I feel a sense of relief after reading this as a friend of one of the babies mammas.
If I could write like you, I’d be rich. You have a gift. Loved reading about your year again and thinking of the tears I shed on your behalf (happy and sad) and wish you lots of joy with your perfect family.
Oh my goodness this post totally hits home to me!!! Is it weird even as a birthmom I had 2 families I got close to but didn’t end up placing with and I still think of them? My heart still aches and wonder if they were ever able to adopt.
I can’t even imagine the heartache you guys have been through and those babies will always be in your heart. You are such an amazing mama and amazing to your birthmama’s! I love the example that you are!
Thanks for your blog! I love reading. We were adopting a baby girl at the same time you were in the process and I ran across your blog. Our daughters adoption is now final but you have always stayed on my prayer list. Knowing your little Jackson came was such a gift this Christmas season to read about! Thanks for sharing your journey!