The other day we had to get new wheels and tires for our truck. (Insert sad face over losing my 22″ chrome wheels. They are for sale if anyone is interested.)
As I was filling out some paperwork at the body shop, the man looks at my kids and says, “So, you just have these two boys?”
I reply, “Yep and we are hoping to adopt a baby girl this February.”
Long pause.
Then the man replies, “My girls were adopted, but it’s too hard to tell anyone about it so we never talk about it.”
Right as I am thinking what a shame that is and trying to figure out what in the world to say, my 3 year old shouts out, “But my birth mom’s name is Joniece.”
The body shop owner looks at me with surprise and says, “They know who their birth moms are?”
“Yeah, they do. They come and visit us and we visit them”
“So, are they in foster care then?”
“No. I just feel it is really important for my kids to know where they came from.”
(And a longer conversation ensues about openness and education.)
I was so proud of Gavin. And I am proud to say, “Yes, my kids know their birth moms.”
GO Gavin! I feel bad that they don’t talk about their girls because “it’s too hard to tell anyone about it”. My sister is adopted, we got her when she was 3–she was abandoned at Primary Children’s and lived there until we adopted her. It’s always been “known” but yet it’s still sort of a hush-hush, tiptoe around it kind of topic. There’s a lot more background to that, but I feel sad that my sister is not okay with any of us talking about adoption. Even when we were looking into adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments, she told me I had “given up”…..
I LOVE when my littles make me proud by declaring they are miracles through adoption! It does my heart good.
Seriously, Gavin needs to be on television. He is AMAZING! I think he sensed mama pondering what to say, and said, “I GOT THIS ONE MOM!”
Love it! Our 3 year old sitting on the side lines at soccer practice for our 5 year old tells the people next to her that this is Cristina A’s birth mother!
Both of our girls know and see often their birth families and both are very verbal about it … it’s wonderful in our opinion for them to feel that this is it take it or leave it!
I love that! My son knows his birth mom too and what I find so great about it is he will never wonder where he came from or have questions of that sort because he knows her and knows how much she loves him. People are always amazed, but I honestly thinks its the best. What an adorable son you have (both of them
)
That is wonderful! I love reading your blog and others about adoption. They are all so different. My 5 year old knows she is adopted, but she was left at a hospital by birthmom so she “could be safe”. She was then in a foster home with a “Gramma” until she was able to come home to us at 7 1/2 months. Heavenly Father placed her there to wait for us to move to our new home. We have been blessed to know many of her birth relatives through the internet, phone and in person. We look forward to getting to know all of them better as she grows. I love that Gavin was able to open up such a great conversation for you.
That’s great. My son would do the same thing. He loves to tell people about his birthmom.
We have had some problems though. Just the other day we were having a conversation about adoption/birthmoms etc while my son had a friend over. (They were playing with a toy his birth-grandparents had given him) This friend is also adopted. He, however, has no contact with his birthmom. I don’t even know if he has a picture of her. This poor little boy started crying at my kitchen table. We did our best to console him, and reassure him that where ever she is, his birthmom loves him and she did a good thing by choosing adoption for him. And how lucky he is to have a huge family to love him (including those he doesn’t see). But he still went home sad. We have had similar expericences with cousins with closed adoptions. Seeing my son’s open adoption hurts their feelings. They wonder why their birthmoms don’t send presents or visit. It’s bitter-sweet.
I enjoyed the story and think it is great. But some children through no fault of their own or adoptive family’s, do not get to know their birth moms. All three of my childrens’ birth moms chose to have a closed adoption. My kids know they are adopted and I tell them everything I know about their birth families, but they will never have a relationship with them. I don’t want them growing up thinking their situation is less significant or meaningful than someone elses because they don’t have that option.
Having the birth mom in the picture is often great but isn’t always the best thing for the kids.
That is really hard. I hope they get to meet them in the future. I have several friends who have children placed with them in closed adoptions…and over the years, step by step, it has gotten more open to the point of sharing letters and pictures.
In fact, I am sitting next to a friend right now who is the adoptive mom of kids who have bio parents who would be considered “dangerous.” She says that it is possible to have levels of openness and that it changes often, but it is still open even if it not to the level that other adoptees enjoy. Just like every other relationship, there are boundaries–appropriate boundaries that may change depending on what the current situation is.
Maybe I will interview her about that! Great idea!
This is such a wonderful sentiment. You are doing such a wonderful job raising adopted children. Just something to keep in mind- not all birth parents are wonderful people who selflessly put their children up for adoption. My boys’ parents are dangerous people. My boys know that they are adopted, but they haven’t seen their birth parents since placement, and ideally, they will never see them again. I wish that everyone could have the wonderful gift that your children have. But not all adoptions are equal. That gentleman’s circumstance could be very different from your own. Thank you for all that you do for adoption awareness.
Yes, his circumstances are very different which is why I didnt pass any judgement but did think it is sad that they never talk about adoption because it is too hard. For me, that would be hard secret to keep.
http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html
if anyone has valid reason to not acknowledge their childrens’ biology, it is this woman. this is not only what adoption relationships can be but what HUMAN relationships SHOULD be. check it out.
http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html
Out of the mouth of babes so glad he is following in his mother’s footsteps as an advocate
While not all adoptions can be open, I think it would be hard not to acknowledge the unique hand of adoption in building a family.
Lindsey, I want you to know that you and your blog are the reason why I wanted an open adoption. Hearing an agency talk about it is scary. Seeing a family live it is inspiring. You and your blog are the reason I fought for an open adoption when Jocelyn’s birth parents weren’t sure they wanted one. And now we are all so happy we have the relationship we do.
This is totally cool! And Zadok has been asking all day when Tyson and Gavin can come back and play. hahah. Maybe someday!?
This is totally cool! And Zadok has been asking all day when Tyson and Gavin can come back and play. hahah. Maybe someday!?
This is so precious. When I see these little ones with their birth mom’s it makes me so incredibly happy because they will have what I have always wanted as an adopted person. TO KNOW my birth mother.
I remember when we first started our adoption journey that the idea of openness was so scary. Now I wish we lived closer to my son’s birthmom so we could see her. For now we settle for emails, phone calls, and other long distance type communication, but he knows he’s adopted and who his birthmom is.