Last night I had a dream, well it was more like a nightmare.
In it, I was 21 again and deciding whether or not to go on a mission, wondering who I was going to marry and how my life was going to unfold. I was uncertain about the future and wished that I had all the answers. Plus, in my dream I was called to the Lansing, Michigan Cantonese speaking mission …does that mission even exist?
I woke up from the dream feeling stressed. (Don’t you hate that?) Then I took a deep breath and looked around me–sleeping next to me was the man I have always loved (even before I was 21) and surrounding me was the life we have created with two little guys pretending to be Indiana Jones and eating Gogurt downstairs. AND, I have 18 months worth of memories of the mission I really served on Temple Square.
My real 21 year old self had no idea the adventure that was going to unfold and she couldn’t have imagined it as fun and sacred as it has been.
I love the quote at the beginning of this post. I found it on Pinterest during one of my nightly sessions. This so describes the year our family has had and we are that much happier because of it.
It seems, in our complicated world of infertility and adoption, that we live so much either in the past or wish for what we are hoping is around the corner–when IVF will work, when we will be chosen by an expectant parent, when our adoption will finally be final. We worry and we stress and we plan and we wish away the present.
Don’t get me wrong, planning and taking action are necessary, but some things are just out of our control.
I spent the first year of Gavin’s life stressing and wishing that his adoption was final–contested adoptions are full of anxiety. When I look at his baby pictures from that first year, my heart aches because those days were riddled with unease in our home instead of just squishing his chubby cheeks all the livelong day (although there was plenty of that too!) You can be sure, when/if this new baby arrives this winter that there will be LOTS of time–time with no stress–devoted to loving on this little miracle.
When I announced on my blog about C and her pregnancy and adoption plan, she pointed out one part of our story that I didn’t mention at the time–a part that she and I both loved. Let me share.
I have always dreamed of having a huge family …until early this summer when I came to the conclusion that there may not be another child out there for our family. In my heart, I could not envision any more children other than Tyson and Gavin. At first, I fought against the notion. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted my future plan to look the way I had always imagined–I think every mother goes through this both inside and outside of the adoption world. But after weeks of thinking and praying about it, I understood and felt peace with our current situation. That is, until the first Monday of July when I went on a run through my neighborhood and had this weird running daydream/vision of me pushing a stroller with Tyson and Gavin walking beside me. It stopped me in my tracks. Honestly, I was confused. Here, I had just come to the honest realization that my hope for a large family and my Heavenly Father’s plan for my family may not be the same, and yet …here I was for the first time envisioning that there was a little spirit missing. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the day that C announced on her blog that she was pregnant. She emailed us a few days later and chose us to be the parents of her growing baby. When C and I figured all that out, there were goosebumps.
Perhaps being at peace about our current situation frees us to be full of joy with what the future really holds.
Right now it’s hard for me to not count down the days until February when Baby Bean is due, but I am forcing myself to focus on the right now–the love we have for C, our boys, their birth parents (and the hysterical almost group Skyping session we almost had on Monday night), our home, etc.
It’s so freeing to not constantly be wishing for what is around the corner. I think, for me, it has increased my capacity to feel gratitude.
So, print this little quote on life. Put it on your fridge.
Live in today.