Photo by Sharon Johnson.
August 15, 2005
What a busy past few weeks it has been in our family. Really, I don’t know where to even begin, but I will try. On Thursday, August 4 I got a phone call from our caseworker Kate. I called her back and she said she needed to meet with us as soon as possible. Flavio was already at work for the day and after talking with another caseworker, they made it clear that they needed to meet with us THAT day. So, I called Flavio at work, told him what was going on and he made plans to leave work early so we could meet with some of the caseworkers at our agency. Neither one of us had any idea what this meeting could be about. The moment we found out we were expecting, we called our caseworker and they put our file on a permanent hold, so there was really no way this could be about an adoption. We couldn’t be getting a baby, could we?
We went into the meeting, there was some chitchat, they asked how we were doing, how I was feeling, how the baby was doing. Then, they asked if we liked surprises. We answered, “Of course, we LOVE surprises!”
A little bit of back-story; our adoption file had been put on hold. However, somewhere along the line someone had neglected to take our online profile offline. There was a birth mother in another state who saw our profile and felt strongly that our family was meant to have her baby. Her caseworker called ours, and our worker told her worker that we were on a permanent hold because we had been able to get pregnant. This birth mother’s worker did not know what to do, so he went back to the birth mother and told her about the situation. She went home and prayed and prayed and again, felt the confirmation that her baby was meant to come to our family. She was so worried that WE wouldn’t want her baby. So, the plan was set, we were called and immediately Flavio and I began bawling and felt the spirit confirm that this was our baby. We immediately said, “YES!” There were so many reasons why this felt so incredibly right. For one, we felt deeply in our hearts the spirit confirming to us that this little boy was our child. About two months ago Flavio had a dream that we were having twins. I remember waking up to him telling me about the dream. He said, “I saw two babies!” They were on a blanket lying side by side. One was a boy and one was a girl, but the weird thing was one of them was bigger than the other. I scoffed at him and said, “Duh honey, that can’t be twins! Twins are the same size and usually aren’t that much bigger than the other.” So, I dismissed it as one of those weird dreams we have nightly that usually mean nothing than our subconscious playing tricks with us. I dismissed it again after my first appointment with the doctor and only seeing one baby in the ultrasound.
However, on August 4, it seemed almost as if this dream was coming true. There were other slight confirmations for us as well, that are pointing us to the direction that this is so very right. I know with all of my heart that this is right for our family. I feel so strongly this baby is meant to come to us.
Baby is due on September 5, 2005. It is a boy. He is half Hispanic half Caucasian just like our little babies. We love our birth mother *Norah so very much. We have done so much to prepare for this little one, and we have written Norah a few times already. We feel she is very frightened. It is almost as if making this decision and us knowing he is coming have done a number on her heart. She talked about this situation, and how she felt she was relying on everyone else’s testimony about it, but her own. She took a step back and decided to take some more time to think about things just to be sure of her decisions.
This has been really hard for us. We want so much for Norah to be happy and to feel peace in her decisions. We love her so very much. We also want so very much for this little boy to come to our family. We are so ready for him, and feel like he will come to us. We are praying so very hard for our Norah at this time.
August 22, 2005
Wow, it is amazing how much life can change in just eighteen little days. I don’t even know how to begin this journal entry other than the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows us and loves us and He gives us certain trials for a reason.
We got a call from our caseworker today. She told us that the reason we haven’t heard from Norah is because she and her fiancé have decided not to place the baby with us, but have decided, instead to parent him.
This day has been a very difficult one. Really, I don’t know what to think or how to feel, but all I know is that I have to have faith that this is all part of the plan and that someday we may learn why all of this had to happen. It just hurts so much. It is such a heavy loss; it feels like a part of me has died. Like someone has died. It feels like a miscarriage, but worse. I guess it feels worse because we won’t have this little baby ever. Oh how I was prepared for him. How excited we were to have this little boy join our family. How much joy we felt over Norah choosing us and trusting us to be his mom and dad.
I pray that Norah will have peace in her decisions; I pray that this little boy will have the most wonderful life with his mother and his new father. I want him to always be happy and to know just how much his mother loves him, and even though he may never know, how much two parents many miles away loved him and still love him.
Hopefully, with time Flavio and I can heal from this. Hopefully, somewhere down the road we too, can be blessed with more children. What an experience this has been. I just pray it will make us stronger. I really don’t know what to say right now. I am just so weak from crying, my head aches from the shuddering tears. I had to take everything back to the store that we bought for this baby. How I ache from having to do this. I am off to box up all of the tiny clothes because my heart hurt too much to see them.
October 26, 2005
Peace Comes
Norah had her baby the end of September. She ended up being a few weeks overdue. She and her fiancé are planning on getting married soon, and hope to be able to be sealed to their little boy in the temple someday down the road. We sent her a small package with a blanket I had made for her and a matching one for the baby. What was I to do with them? They were made for them. Flavio and I have been struggling to come to grips with they “whys” of this situation. I think what has been so hard for us is the confusion of feeling like this baby was our baby, and then the hurt of him not coming and trying to understand it all. There have been so many tears and so many prayers for peace and understanding. Having felt so many feelings of loss over this failed placement have left our hearts heavy. It feels like a death. It has been a grievous pain that has been hard to overcome. I feel like a huge relief came on Sunday. I feel like I finally got an answer of some sort. Something I was sure would not come in this lifetime, but one that will help us to get through this lifetime. The opening Hymn in Sacrament meeting was “Our Savior’s Love” and it was during this Hymn that I felt the confirming hand of love from my Heavenly Father, as He spoke to me in the second verse the words: “We are bound to him by loving ties.”
Maybe this little boy was suppose to come to be a part of our family, to be sealed to us, to be ours…forever. Perhaps, for whatever reason that couldn’t happen, but through the love of our Savior, and through the gospel, we are bound to this baby through loving ties. Because we loved this baby so very much and because, in some ways he is ours, we will forever be tied through him by this love.
This was an amazing experience. I feel as though a gigantic weight has been lifted from my heart and my shoulders. I cried through the meeting, tears of comfort and peace flowed. I feel like I have understanding and I can breathe again. I know I will NEVER forget this little boy. Never. However, I finally feel like I can move on from this experience and find new joy and new hope.
Present Day
In January 2008 we got an email from Norah. She was very sad and dealing with a great weight on her heart. She was questioning a lot of decisions she had made in her life, one of which was that she made a mistake in not placing this little boy with us. We were in a tough spot and not sure what to say. We had been emailing with Norah off and on after we found we had a mutual friend with Norah, her visiting teaching companion. Even though Norah lived many states away at a time when adoptions weren’t as open as they are presently, after our friend came to about a year after Norah’s baby was born, we were able to send a small gift home with our friend for Norah and for the baby. This began a phone relationship and an emailing relationship. This email was particularly hard for us to read. We weren’t sure what to say to her to comfort her, or to comfort us in a wound that felt was being ripped open again. We decided that honesty was the best thing in this situation, and even though it was hard to say, “We would still love to be the parents of this little boy if that is ever something you consider.” We still said it. Even though we once again, did not end up being the parents to this little boy, were able to help Norah through a difficult time and we remain friends to this day. We are even friends on Facebook and she is expecting her third baby any day now.
We have learned so much from this experience. This little boy is so happy and so big! He is in school and thriving and he has two loving parents. We love Norah so much as well! She is such a beautiful woman and we feel blessed to have her in our lives and to watch her family grow, and find joy.
We have been blessed with two more beautiful children and even though it is still painful to think of what might have been, we are able to find happiness and joy in this trial of our hearts. Time does heal, maybe not completely, but it lessens the pain, it dulls the terror to the point hope can build up once again.
*Name has been changed.
Kim is a wonderful mother of three little ones which she miraculously was able to become pregnant with. Although she has never adopted a child, she has been through some grueling experiences within adoption and is an adoption advocate. You can read more about her (and ogle her artistry) on her photography blog, Kim Orlandini Photography.
Beautifully written, Kim (as usual). I can’t imagine the anguish that would come from the failed adoption! You described the emotions so eloquently and I’m glad you have been able to find that peace that you needed. Love you Kim!
Oh my! Well, for one, that was very sweet and open to share! For two, I would say how I truly feel about what took place, but it is not my place, but I am DISGUSTED! I for one understand that people can change their minds. But I DO NOT feel that one should make the decision to place if they are not 100% sure. At least give yourself time to think. There should not be a “make sure I am okay with my decision” phase, AFTER you have picked a family. But again, everyone is different. Kim, you are a strong woman to go through what you have been through and deal with what you have. May the Lord bless you in more ways than one!!
And Lindsey – I love you guys! And just to add! I am NEVER changing my mind! I AM CARRYING YOUR BABY!
XoXo
C
You are so sweet, C. But, adoption is not right for everyone although I have to admit that the mom emailing Kim and telling her that she made a mistake is pretty cruel. We all cried with her when that happened.
You are incredible and strong, but you should know that we love you for YOU and if you decide not to place with us, that’s okay. We will cry, but we will still love you no matter what.
XO
<3 you both.
hmmm well im completely disgusted that an expectant parent/hope-to-be-birthmom, would write such a thing!
adoption luvs
Adoption IS ABOUT love. I am a mother of three other kids. You don’t know my situation, so you can’t judge what I said. I don’t think that I offended anyone by my comment, if I did, then MY APOLOGIES! But I just didn’t think it was right, especially the email part.
We also had a failed adoption and reading this story really pulls together my feelings. I have wondered if we would ever be able to let that little girl go from our hearts, or if ever looking at a picture of her would not hurt. I wondered if I will ever not wonder what could have been. After reading this, I don’t think so, but I also think that’s okay. We will always welcome this little family into our home and lives, but if that never happens, we will be connected to them by the loving ties of the Savior. Thank you for that; it was just what I needed and didn’t even know it.
A Little Time, A Little Miracle
Thank-you for this post, our little family is going through the mourning/heartbreak of a failed adoption right now. Our sweet birthmother chose us over six months ago, we’ve become good friends, went to the ultrasound to find out he was a boy and even named him. Against the specific wishes of our birthmother and the council of their bishop, the grandparents of the birthfather want the baby – even though they all live in the same small town and attend the same ward as our birthmother. They are paying for the birthfather to get a lawyer and pursue custody. So in effect they are blocking the adoption and forcing our birthmother to parent because she doesn’t want them to raise the baby. Although we weren’t carrying the baby it feels like a late term miscarriage and has been really hard on us. One of the hardest things to wrap my head around is that members of the church are taking away the baby’s opportunity for committed parents and to be sealed. It’s heartbreaking to know that he’ll start his life split between parents that aren’t speaking to one another and families possibly bitter from a long hard custody battle. After lots of pondering and praying and tears it comes down to agency. God can’t protect us from others excercising their agency – only give us the strength to get through it. I know we’ll forever love our birthmother and that sweet little boy. We just have to remember God is mindful of us, knows our pain, and has more plans for our family. Hugs to anyone else who’s been through this – Julie
I would have to say that from what I have seen a failed adoption can be terrible. I have had many many close friends go thru them! But i would never say anyone should have the right to be disgusted. As a birthmom that was the hardest choice in the entire world times about a million. I wanted to go back luckily I had enough support that I didn’t. You never know what that birthmom’s situation was entirely. You can be extremely sure until that very last second. Never talk bad about someone until you have been in that exact situation.
I never talked bad, just said that it disgusted ME! Me personally. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and choices, correct! Each birthmom has a different reason on why THEY are placing. I do believe in different things than most. I researched a lot before I decided to. And adoption can be a “baby ring” of sorts. Where people are just out to get money from people that have been praying and trying for years to have a baby. It just adds insult to injury!
But again, this is my personal opinion. And I am in that exact situation, so you can’t say don’t judge, when you are!
I agree with Jessa. Noone has a right to be disgusted by a failed adoption. As a birth mother, adoptive mother, and biological mother I have been able to see all sides of adoption. Although I’ve never been through a failed adoption I’ve been through the ringer with my son’s adoption. Deciding to place my birth daughter for adoption was the single most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever done. Not everyone is cut out to be a birth mother…. I’m just saying..
It has nothing to do with a “right”! I do believe we all have a right of freedom of speech! This is a blog where things will be posted that are controversial and people that peruse the world wide web are going to encounter things that upset them, disgust them, turn their nose at, etc. Granted, it is the persons “choice” to comment on such posts/blogs, but I chose to comment on this, since I see a different side. I, for one, will be a birth mother, I have three kids that I can’t take care of right now. And trying to get my life together, midst being divorced the beginning of this year and now pregnant with a man that I will never be with, I thought about WHAT is important to myself, my three children, and this baby! That is what is important to me! I know one person that went through the adoption process and collected EVERYTHING she could from the parents. They bought her cell phones to reach them, paid her rent, and did so much and got everything ready for this little girl, and then wham! She just fell off the face of the earth! I did not know her personally, but I knew of her and when I found out what she did, it made me sick! So, regardless of the reasons you have to “not place” after you decide it, there are a ton of other ways to approach the situation then sending an email. A little more personable? I for one, could NOT live with myself knowing I approached a situation like that. It would always be in the back of my mind. So, yes, it disgusted me.
Lindsey – I am sorry I just told my whole business on your page, but it seems my comment was not liked and I feel the need to explain myself! XoXo
Thanks
I never meant that you didn’t have a right to speak what you thought I just think that being “disgusted” about the situation is rather harsh. I would say that it’s disappointing that the birth mother involved didn’t handle the situation better. That she didn’t do her research before she contacted Kim. But I just think that disgusted is a harsh word for something so emotionally charged on all fronts. And of course she SHOULD have done something other than sending an email but maybe at the time she didn’t know what else to do. I think by the way she emailed kim later and said she had regret it was always in the back of her mind. Wouldn’t you say the same?
As a fellow birth mother I commend you on making the decision that you have. I know how hard it can be to even make the decision to place your child for adoption. I have a firm love for you because of the bond that we have and I don’t even really know you. Hope nothing I said offended you.
C…..
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your situation. It takes a lot of courage to place a child in any circumstance, especially after having been a parent.
I was a single mom of my first born for 6 yrs and placed my 2nd daughter for adoption after the relationship didn’t work out with her birth father and I.
I wish and hope that you are abundantly blessed and that you are carried by many positive people as you go through the journey of adoption. It is amazing in every aspect and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Much love sent your way
From another Birth Mom
Carly
Jessa and Katelyn: Just as you are entitled to your opinions on the matter, C is too. And C is an expectant mom that has made a placement plan for her babt and want to place him/her WITH US, so I am understandably very protective. Just like you two, she is very passionate about adoption.
She doesn’t need me to “fight her battles” because she is feisty in her own right, but I sincerely hope that my friends who are birth parents will welcome her into the fold of birthmotherdom rather than turn her off to it. She’s only been involved in the adoption world for a couple of months, unlike you two.
my comments were in no way an “attack” towards her. I understand your protectiveness and at one point in my life thought the EXACT same thing about birth mothers who promise people a baby and then turn their backs on people who are so emotionally invested in not only the situation but also the birth mother herself. My opinion is something that I have developed over years of heartache, pain, struggle, and experience.
Thank you for sharing this. I cannot stop crying now as I know how “Norah” must have felt at some points. I regret my decision not to place almost daily (obviously as I am reading adoption blogs.) Even though I love my little guy more then life itself. I admire birth moms and love the adoption community. Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many.
Huggs. It would be such a difficult decision to place. My heart is with you, may Heavenly Father lift you up when you need it the most.
I have loved Kim (even though I have never even met her) because I adore you, Mrs. R and personally any friend of you just should be a friend of me
Kim is marvelous for sharing this story, and opening her heart so that others can find peace and know that somewhere out there someone can relate. With our failed adoption, I had the misfortune of working in the nursery the day his mom delivered, and giving him his first bath. The what-ifs sucked, but I am grateful because a short month later, we were picked once again and now have Collin in our hearts and home! And just to put it out there, someday, when I am through school, I most certainly would like a photo session from Kim, since her work is just stunning. Just sayin’.
Awe, thanks Emily!
Photo session it is!
And by-the-way, a potential SQUUUEEEALLLL for potentially having another little one soon! Makes me smile!
Tonight, I was able to wrap my arms around and hug a woman that I have grown to love. She “almost” placed with us. She “almost” became a birthmom. She chose to parent. However, I chose to be her friend no matter what. When we first started talking/chatting/texting when she was pregnant I felt instantly connected to her. We love the same books, movies, tv shows and share the same sense of humor. When she decided to parent I was hurt BUT I felt she still needed me even though I, *no longer needed her*. (Sounds weird) We remained friends via the internet. Her son was born and never became my son. However, I did help name him! Then when I finally had a placement she called me and congratulated me! Fast forward almost 3 years. She has returned to church, been -re-baptized, is now engaged and is about to go to school full time. Her life has been complicated and sadly her son was eventually legally placed with her parent’s and now lives far from her. My daughter is the perfect fit for our family but I don’t feel that bond with her birthmother. Oddly, the mother that didn’t place with us is closer to me then the mother that did place. God, knew what he was doing even though I didn’t. She helped me along the way and gave me home for the future. I hope that I have been able to return the favor to her. I love her and I am so proud of her. Just because a placement “fails” doesn’t mean the relationship has to end.
Kim, thank you for sharing your story, even though it is so painful. When you discussed the loving ties that bind you to this child, it gave me such peace. My husband and I took 2 children (a 2 yr old boy and a 7 week old girl) into our home, and have had them for 4 months. Their father wanted us to adopt them after their mother went to jail. As soon as they came into our home, they became–to us–our children. We have worked so hard to help them feel secure after the trauma they’ve endured over the last while. Throughout this we’ve been talking to their biological mother and visited her in jail. She recently decided that she would not sign the adoption papers (although she will never have the children), and is forcing their father to become a single father (although he wants them to be sealed to us). They leave us next week, and our hearts are broken, but your story and spiritual insight, as well as your graceful and loving way of dealing with such a hard thing, has provided such comfort and peace. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I don’t have much experience with the adoption world, but I do know Kim and she is a strong, spiritual woman. As hard an experience as this was (is) for her family, I wasn’t surprised to see examples of her great faith and unbelievable strength throughout her journal entries…even amidst the tears. (I sometimes need to remind that Kim how very strong, beautiful and wonderful she is, so I hope you don’t mind as I do just that!)
I adore you Miss Em.
I am amazed at the way you write about this. My failed adoption was too painful, I still have a hard time talking about it. You are strong and kind and I admire that. Best wishes to you and your family and Norah’s as well.
Thank you for the sweet words Kate. My heart is with you.
whoa, that was a lot of comments. who ever said – “it comes down to agency. God can’t protect us from others excercising their agency” I agree. Whether it be a poor choice we make ourselves, or a poor choice someone else made that affected us, it’s just part of life.
Love, prayers, and major tears for The R House, and C, especially after reading the most recent post and comments all the way back to this…