I’ve been gone for awhile.
Can I be honest and vulnerable with you for a little minute?
Ever since our reversed adoption and some things that were written by other authors about how we handled our grief, blogging kind of lost its sparkle. Why would I share vulnerable parts of my heart if those pieces were mocked with sarcastic judgement? Why would I share my family?
Have you felt me disengage from you, Internet? It’s been almost two years.
During these two years, I have been praying to know what to do. Do I believe that God answers our prayers even if we pray about something like blogging? You bet I do.
For two years I prayed while my blog, my online real estate, limped along.
I prayed about what was right for my family and what was right to share online.
My prayers led to thoughts which led to more prayers which lead to pondering. And repeat.
Why do I blog?
Do I write to be liked?
Do I write to regurgitate common opinions?
Do I write so that I can feel validated by others?
I write because I want to make a difference. I want to bring hope to those who may be suffering …from whatever. I want to celebrate open adoption. I want to educate and uplift. I need people to know that God does answer our prayers and visits us in our affliction. I want to spread goodness. I want to radiate joy.
We all have hardships. We all have things that didn’t turn our the way we had planned. We have sorrow, pain, longing, loneliness, questions, yearning, loss, heartache, etc. This includes me.
I’ve tried to take those hardships and flip them. “It’s better to look up.” It’s more golden. You will see that message subtly illustrated in my new design. (Isn’t Kristin from Designer Blogs so very talented? She’s also an infertility survivor.)
During this prayer and pondering period, I did a lot of reading because I still didn’t feel like I had an answer.
I read this post by Millions of Miles. It spoke to me.
I loved her thoughts on prioritizing family and growth.
I’m back- not letting fear keep me paralyzed anymore. I’ve decided to just come back. Messy as it all is.
I read this post by Stephanie Nielson and my heart burned.
As if she wrote her message just for me, her words answered the prayers I had been sending up to heaven for the last couple of years.
Don’t let people tell you what you can and cannot talk about. Don’t hide behind your computer screen.
It dawned on me, “I’ve given away my power! I AM hiding.” My spirit was ready to jump out of my body as I took copious notes on her message. The other 40 people in the room seemed to disappear. A mindful God tapped me on the shoulder. I recognized her words as the answer I had been looking for, sent to me through her from a loving Father in Heaven who is aware of the details of our lives.
Afterward, I had to tell her that her words answered my prayers. She was gracious and stunning and genuinely interested in my family as I fumbled through a wordy thank you.
“I’ve been praying for answers and today I found them in your words. YOU changed me.”
(A special thanks to Brassy Apple for snapping these pictures for me.)
On at least three separate occasions during this 2 year praying period, I went to delete my blog. “This is ridiculous! Who needs this kind of stress? Does it really matter that much?” I asked myself. And yet something stopped me each time my curser hovered over the giant delete button. I quietly heard, “It’s not just yours any more.”
“It ain’t yours to throw away.”
What special places (maybe a blog?) have been given to you that you just aren’t allowed to give up on?
(Also: Nashville = My guilty pleasure. Anyone else?)
And so here we are. A new look. A new outlook. A new R house.