Today I am sharing a post that is very dear and tender to me.

Joniece and Gavin, Tyson and me …doing “The Joniece Face.”

It’s written by my youngest son’s birth mom. Her name is Joniece and not only is she a dear, dear friend (long time family friend even before she became pregnant), she is family.

Her son, Gavin, is three and is just as feisty as his birth mama! Not to mention they have the exact same eyes. (Which when you ask Gavin about it, he will tell you is “AWESOME!”)

I asked Joniece to write for me (and Tyson’s birth mom too–her post is scheduled for later this week) because, for me, asking them to write about their adoption experiences in their own words adds authenticity to this little blog about open adoption. I was also inspired to ask the boys’ birth moms to write in their own words by the Open Adoption Roundtable’s current writing prompt on Production, Not Reproduction. When Joniece asked me for suggestions on what to write about, I wanted to know about the 4 days that she chose to parent Gav before making the decision to place him into our family. And that’s all I said.

Some of you may know that the pre-delivery plan was for her to place in the hospital, but her mom called me the day of their release from the hospital and said that they weren’t ready. She asked me to bring the car seat and baby items to them in the hospital later that day and that they would be in touch. We packed up all the cutest clothes and blankets we had and delivered them to the hospital. And yes, it was hard, but it was harder for Joniece and her family. The four days before she came to the decision to place have always been a mystery to me. I never asked her about them because they seemed sacrosanct. Three and a half years later, I finally got up the nerve to ask.

I knew it would be painful.

I knew it would be raw.

I knew it would be honest.

I had no idea how beautifully passionate it would be …and I poured over every word. I hope you do too.

WHAT I WOULDN’T DO FOR YOU…ALL IN FOUR DAYS.

“One day you will understand my decision.”

That was a line included in the heartfelt letter I wrote Gavin two days before his placement day for him to read, eventually. It was my father’s idea to write said letter, an attempt to distract me from the emotional wreck I was and to encourage me to be productive with the passionate emotions I was feeling. I placed Gavin in my father’s arms and sat in the  loveseat cushion that had conformed to shapes of the gluteus maximus’ it had served before me and began writing. I wrote with love, with care, and with sadness. The blue sky stationary, we had purchased for this certain letter, being stained by the tears burning down my face. I could only capture this moment and these emotions once, and this was my chance. No matter how hard I tried or may try to explain to Gavin my decision, heartache, and love for him in the future, there is no way possible to convey the “real-time” feelings I had on that day.

It was four long days I had Gavin in my care, four days I was mommy, four days he was my son, four days to love on him and hold him all day and night long. From his birth date to placement day were the four longest consecutive days of my life, all while seeming extremely too short for my memory. In these days lie a journey of peace, a journey of sacrifice, a journey of bravery, and a journey to find the true meaning of love.

I was convinced two days after Gavin’s birth, I was not placing. Yes, me, who has an amazing open adoption three + years later, was not going to be a birth mom. How could I? I loved him way too much to let him go, I wanted him for my own, I wanted my son, I wanted to be his mommy, I couldn’t bare to live without him. I, I, I, I, I. That is what I was thinking about, between my sobs in public restrooms to my proud-parent attitude the few times I did take Gav out to stores or restaraunts and recieved compliments on how adorable he was. I was thinking about me, but who could blame me, I had just delivered this precious baby boy into the world, I had the right to do what I wanted…. RIGHT?

 WRONG.

After much conversation with my parents (who I was lucky enough to have fly into Utah for those four days) about the pros and cons of placement vs. parenting… I still was at a loss, with no conclusion in sight. My parents did their best to stay neutral throughout the process, they made it very clear they would support me in either decision I made. No pressure. They did however, all the while being loving, provide me with reality. Which was one of the best things I think a parent can do for their son/daughter facing an unplanned pregnancy. They didn’t wish to sway me one way or another, but they both knew how hard it was in life to raise children as a married couple, yet alone as a single mom. The novelty of having this baby, the attention, the giving, that would all wear off, and it would just be Gavin and me.

Me, single mom, struggling to balance spending time with him, supporting him, supporting us, teaching him, trying to be mom and dad, possible custody battles, and most of all explaining to him why his father and mother were not together, married, in love, and working together for his happiness and success in life. That was the reality, that was my reality, but it DID NOT have to be Gavin’s reality. I made sure of that.

The truth is although my parents eventually divorced, I have known of a better life and come from a better environment then domestic disputes, living at the line of poverty or living paycheck to paycheck, not having the luxury of both my parents in my life. I’ve been pretty priviledged. How could I deprive my son of the same joyness, fullness, and support that I grew up with? I couldn’t.

Ultimately as you all may know, my ultimate decision was to place, but not before sob fits, conversations, debates, tears, and heart break.

People may think I am a little harsh to pregnant women who create an adoption plan, and then decide to parent at the last minute. It is not that I think less of them or their decision, but rather I can relate. I know what they were thinking, when they were thinking it and probably why, but in that flurry of emotions I think it can be HIGHLY possible to make maybe not the best decision possible, when making the decision that feels “right” at that very moment. I have earned the right to be called a birth mom, I have earned the right to be part of my extended (adoption) family, but only after taking some time for myself, for Gavin, and to REMEMBER (the key after all the emotions) what I thought was right for my son just a month previous, was still right for eternity.

I urge all pregnant women considering adoption and even during delivery to take that time needed, to make the RIGHT decision for eternity, and not just in the moment. The correct decision not just for them, but for their child especially, as well as to avoid any unwarranted or unnecessary heartbreak.

 Gavin and his Joniece at my brother-in-law’s wedding over the summer. 

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Categories: Adoption, Adoption Stories • Tags: Birth Mother Stories, Birth Mother Stories Adoption