what is ask a birth mom (aabm)? click HERE.who are the birth mothers on the panel? click HERE.
today my aabm panel is answering the following:
Our son’s birth mother is pregnant again and will be parenting her daughter. I realize that this may be speculation for some of the birth mothers on the panel, but how do you think a situation like this might change her feelings about placing her first child? Might there be a strong desire for the two children to associate together often since they will be half brother/sister?
Depending on the situation of the first child age and place in the birthmom’s life it would make it clear why they made the decision they did because they will soon find out it would have been hard and it was the best thing at the time. Of course there would be a lot if emotion involved because it would be reliving a pregnancy and the feelings they went through the first time. Also I think if you have an open adoption it would be natural for the kids to know each other and spend time together since they are half brother/sister but every adoption is different. But pretty much since Mr. and Mrs. R are family it would just be another addition for us all! :)
It’s hard for me to answer this because I’m not that birthmom. I don’t think this situation will change her feelings negatively about placing her first child (but again I don’t know her personally). I think that every child ends up where they belong and I hope that she feels the same way! Same goes for the two children. It would be really cool if they could associate, but everyone is different and some don’t ever really want to.
I was kind of the opposite of this situation. I was parenting a child at the time of placement but I can tell you, it was and still is very important for my parented child and my placed child to know one another, associate with one another, and be friends with one another, so yes, it could increase her desire to associate with her child.
I think it’s also important to keep in mind how busy a new baby makes a new Mother so if she seems to pull back some at first, don’t be alarmed, she’s just probably super busy adjusting to life with a newborn!
*a note from mrs. r: for this question, i enlisted the help of my friend kelsey stewart. we have been friends online for quite some time, but met in real life at the 2011 Southwest Regional Families Supporting Adoption Conference.
the reason i asked kelsey to be a guest on the panel today is because she has five children–she has a daughter and twin boys that she placed for adoption and two children that she is raising with her husband. i thought her point of view was different from the rest of the panel and would help provide a better answer to the question.
you can learn more about kelsey on her blog A Birth Mother Voice and through her children’s book, The Best For You that she wrote about her decision to place to help the children she placed understand her reasons. i love her.
I think this all depends on how close in proximity you are to her. I can only speak from my experience so please know that all birth mothers are different. When my children after the adoption were born, I thought about the adoptions, but it was not in this way that you asked in the first question. I began to see what it was what I had given the parents, as opposed to what I had lost for myself. Sure, seeing my boys grow … smile … laugh … hug me, it all reminded me of what it was that I missed in my adopted children’s lives. However, living life in the moment is what I became addicted to and my boys boys taught me that life is amazing. I began to appreciate how full those parents heart’s must have been every day since bringing them home. At times, even 20 years later, I think about what I missed the first time around and sometimes it will make me sad because I just want to hug them and say … “I have always thought of you…”. Other times it will make me peaceful with what I chose to do. But I never really even thought about changing my mind about the adoptions. Not one bit. Rather I felt blessed that I had the opportunity to be in the right place in my life to raise my own children.
Now the second question again will all depend on how close you are in geography. Absolutely there was a desire I felt for my children to know each other, but we were spread out across the country. I certainly made it a point to include pictures of the boys in all of my letters just so the families knew what they looked like. I also wrote about my boys and vise versa in the return letters. My children have not met each other in real life but there has been an interest on all of their parts (to clarify, I have three adopted children and two boys I am raising), and I am sure that it will happen someday. My adopted children have met online, and are occasionally chatting with each other which I think is fantastic! I think it is beneficial for adoptees to know their roots, but again this communication is something that is going to depend on each individual situation and what has been established between the families.
I think the best thing you can do is just talk with her and find out if she has been thinking about this. Communication is a wonderful thing in any relationship and it can often help squash speculations or fears that you may be experiencing.