what is ask a birth mom (aabm)? click HERE.
who are the birth mothers on the panel? click HERE.
today my aabm panel is answering the following:
I am very open to telling anyone and everyone bc I feel not enough people know and are aware of adoption and how open it can be. I am very fortunate to get to visit tyson, get phone calls, TONS of pictures and other fun stuff. Because I have such a great open relationship with tyson and family, people see all these things and have questions! Besides that, regular or random questions people ask somehow most always end up with tyson! (which I don’t mind at all) some people I might go into less detail with but not usually. I’ve gotten everything from very negative to very positive from total strangers!
Personally, it depends on the situation. I don’t exactly broadcast the fact that I’m a birth mom, but in certain situations I think it’s appropriate to mention it. A lot of people still don’t know about it, but everyone who is really close to me knows. I think it’s definitely a personal choice and varies tremendously from person to person. I’m still a little cautious about mentioning it to people.. just for the judgments passed etc, but in time eventually everyone will know.
It seems like the older my son gets, the more open I am about him. At
first I was terrified to tell anyone my plans even when I was pregnant
thanks to some not-so-kind comments, then I had to deal with the same
comments after I placed my son, now I’m finally confident enough to
stop caring what other people think about my decision. I’m not going
to lie and say that I’m always polite when I hear the rude comments,
but I’m not as defensive as I used to be.
Most of my friends from high school still have no idea. Honestly, I
doubt they’ll ever find out. I have told a few of my really close
friends about him, but that’s basically because I’m moving home for
the summer. While a lot of my college friends know and are pretty
supportive, I’ve heard some comments I’d rather not hear from some of
them about what they would have done. Unsolicited advice isn’t always
kind when it comes to my age group. We’re still trying to figure out
how to be tactful. The one thing I’m afraid of is navigating the
whole dating scene. I’m obviously not ashamed of him, it’s just an
awkward thing to bring up. I don’t want to do it too soon and freak
out the poor guy. I also don’t want to wait for months and months
before I mention him like he’s an afterthought. The guy I’ve been
seeing found out when he got into my car and found a book about being
a birth mother in my passenger seat. Surprise! Imagine how THAT car
While I don’t have “I’m a Birth mother” tattooed on my wrist, I wear
necklaces that have my son’s name on them with pride. (Why yes…they
ARE all from the r house.) I have pictures of him on my walls, I carry
a picture of him in my purse, and he’s the background on my phone. He
isn’t “hidden” like I assumed he would be. It’s kind of my little way
of saying we aren’t horrible people, we just made a mistake. My family
doesn’t agree with the fact that I tell people about him, but they’re
trying to comprehend the fact that I’m not ashamed of who I am. I
didn’t take the easy way out of the situation, I’m not embarrassed
when it comes to my son, and I’d still make the same decision if I
could go back in time. I have nothing to hide anymore.
I’m very open about it to probably about 99% of the people I associate with.
I do this because I want to get Adoption out there. I want everyone to know that Adoption is an option and a GREAT one. I love Adoption and I want everyone to know that.
The only time I do not tell other people is when I for some reason, don’t feel like I should. That’s rare but it does happen. I also don’t tell most of the guys I date right away. Some of them know in advance, but the ones that don’t, I choose to wait until they get to know me a little better. :)
I am very open about being a birthmother and having placed. It’s not the first phrase out of my mouth, but it is something I am proud of and am passionate about. It is part of who I am and I am not reserved about who I am. Not everyone is supportive or kind. But I made the right decision and I have peace, and no one can take that away from me.
I am not open with everyone I know or meet about my past.
I placed my baby for adoption 14 years ago this year. And when I found out that I was pregnant, I initially only told a sister-in-law, that I trusted. I was living away from home, and it wasn’t until I was 6 months along that I finally told my parents. I tried to keep it a secret for as long as I could. And when it became physically obvious, I went “off the grid”. I was a good Mormon girl, who was disappointed and humiliated to be in the situation I was in. I knew better. But, in an effort to try to maintain a horrible and destructive relationship, I gave up the most valuable virtue I had.
It has only been in the last few years that I have been able to tell some family members and close friends that I trust. Not everyone is supportive and encouraging of a girl who found herself pregnant out of wedlock. And even though that experience was created out of sin, I feel that because I chose adoption I was carried by my Savior- and it was one of the most spiritual and valued experiences of my life. It is a sacred experience to me. And the baby that I placed and his family are a special and important part of my life. I would never want to share that with someone who would judge me, or my choice harshly. So I choose carefully whom I share that part of my life with.
There are times when I want to shout it from the rooftops that I placed a baby for adoption. I feel like people may understand me better when I’m having a meltdown; however I don’t want it to be a crutch or “the” reason behind every emotional moment.
Even though it’s very much part of who I am, I’m selective with those I share that part of me with. I want it to be reverenced. It’s a pearl that I don’t want to be cast before swine.
It’s also hard to share, because it causes me to touch basis with reality, yet it also helps me to process and teach others how positive adoption can be and clear up misconceptions.
It’s usually very clear to me the moments that I am to share, like the other day at work I went to lunch with a girl that’s younger then be by about 8 years. She just had a baby and is struggling to be a single mom. She asked me why I moved to Utah and it opened up a great conversation about me placing Calli for adoption and my thoughts and her feelings about how she wonders if she could do it now. It was a short and sweet conversation but thought provoking. Also an opportunity for her to see that it is possible to keep going forward after placing a child.
if you have more questions after reading this post on topics that relate specifically to the answers these birth moms just gave us, then feel free to ask them in the comments and i am sure they will answer them in comment form.
if you have additional questions that are not answered here or questions that don’t relate to this post, please email me or comment on this post and i will add them to the list for the birth mothers to answer.